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       last month i went out to send christmas cards to my parents. while i was at the store, i figured i would also get a card for my dad's birthday.

       i always struggle with choosing a card for him. it feels like none of the sentiments ring true. they're all nicely worded, and i'm sure many fit the job for others, but for me it always feels kind of...not deceitful but exaggerated? like if i chose this because i thought it sounded nice, it would be apparent to the recipient that it was not chosen because i thought it was true.

       i'm not that close to my dad. i care for him, and he does care for me very much, but there's this layer of unfamiliarity between us that i don't feel compelled to cross.

       parents are complicated. if you want to keep the peace, you have to be content with them being semi-strangers to you.

       i do want to know more. i do want to get to know them as people. but it...hurts? it's so strange. as if knowing what they were like at my age would cause me this chasm of pain. i already know things about my mom's childhood and young adulthood that make me want to cry when i linger on thes thought for too long. it's one thing to be curious, but am i strong enough to ask? strong enough to listen?

       i didn't use to think this deeply about this five, ten years ago. back then i mostly anxious, angry, scared. now i feel more content with life. but the dread of my parent's mortality and my own just won't go away. there's a time limit to getting to know them.

       my mom's been sending me photos of her going out with family and friends on weekends. they make me smile. but i noticed something. this is the first time i registered that she was old. for a good ten years, my mom seemed the same age to me. now she doesn't. she's old.

       her birthday is coming up soon. i'm hoping to find a card that speaks to the relationship I've been able to build with her. maybe by father's day i'll find a good one for dad, too.