i got used to not being acknowledged in online spaces. in real life, i've come to take pride in my work ethic, dependability and responsibility - it feels good to be seen as a decent, hard working person. but also have to work really hard for that image. i have to work to hide the unpleasant parts of myself. it's exhausting.
i have more control, and less anxiety, over how i am (or am not) seen online.
for a long time i've been a silent lurker in online spaces. i grew up way too young on the internet and left my fair share of embarrassing posts before developing self awareness. i tried to talk more responsibly as a cringy mid-2000's and 2010s kid, but in the advent of Discourse Heavy late 2010s internet, i grew shy and reclusive. it wasn't until i got into twitch streamers in 2020 that i started to become interested in socializing via chat. a few years after that, i got into holostars, and for the first time in years i began to participate in fandom again.
it's fascinating, being an adult and re-visiting this space that defined so much of my teenage years. things have changed as much as they have staye the same. the youthful fervor of developing morality is in full swing by the time kids are old enough to make accounts online (see: Piaget's fourth stage of cognitive development in children)(no i am not specifying a page i'm not digging up those college notes lol). I think that plays a big part in the widespread black and white mentality that poisons discourse. it's as silly and overblown as it's always been, the only difference now is that it's shifted from Steven Universe to Mouthwashing.
what's changed the most is me, i think, and my much lower tolerance for entertaining things that just aren't that big of a deal.
even with my current interests - be it vtubers, music, writing, or art in general - i end up asking aloud what the point of it all is. do people truly, sincerely, not have anything better to do? then i remember that twitter rewards interaction under any circumstances, see the blue checks, and close the tab. i'm part of the problem if i keeps clicking on ragebait. that's something i have to get better on. but my tolerance has lowered, overall, and it's easier to step away now. "i have to pay rent" is a great motivator for that, it turns out.
looking back, a lot of my anxieties as a tumblrina had to do with not being sure i was making the right choices or doing the right thing with my "platform". i really internalized a lot of the anxiety that would have done wonders for people who actually had reach, like, i don't know, a musky rat you and i might know of.
nowadays i still worry about doing the right thing, but i'm less concerned with what others are doing. i block easily and all the time. i don't expect people to explain themselves to me and i don't expect to explain myself to anyone (without good reason). right now i'm just trying to do something with the skills i have. something that reminds me of what it felt like to futz around on a computer for the first time.
i hope the kids of these new generations are able to find themselves, too. i hope they're able to do that without the kinds of anxieties i grew up with. i doubt it. but i can hope.