life has been a bit tough lately. the state of the world aside, my personal life for the past month has seen a shake up within family that has been weighing on me. i've already talked to my friends and family about the details, but i just want to get something off my chest and send it off into the ether of the internet.
for anyone curious, a close family member has asked me in no uncertain terms to fuck off and not speak to them again. this was after a tense disagreement involving another family member and was all carried out through text. this is the first time they speak to me this way in so many years of being my family. it really shocked me that they were so blunt and dismissive of what i had to say.
this is a relationship that i already knew wasn't the healthiest. it was the kind of situation where you want to keep in contact, but when you do, you end up feeling exhausted and sad. (unfortunately that happens with me for one than one family member, but i digress.)
at first i was hurt, then furious, but i think for the past month, i've mostly been grieving? it felt like this person really told me once and for all to leave, and after a straight month, it feels very final. it's like something died inside me.
they have no interest in sharing anything after their last hateful texts. at least they haven't for over a month. the last time something like this happened, when they said something hurtful and then never wrote again, i was the one who broke the silence and it was ahead of their birthday. i sent them a card and a text. then they replied, and mentioned they had sent texts to my phone directly, but i never got them. i remember they deleted their first message to me and then the first things i heard were about how they were doing, but never an apology. never an acknowledgement. at the time i was furious but i let it slide.
now? now, after crying and venting and writing about it, i want to say that i'm over it. but i'm not. it still hurts. i had to manually export and delete the chats i had with them because i kept rereading their hurtful words. i'm not back to normal, but i'm better. that's all i can really hope for.
i'll just take it one a day at a time, like i always have.